8 social media things that I just don’t get

I love social media. I enjoy making friends on Twitter who obsess over the same obscure Disney characters as me (WILBUR ROBINSON ANYONE),  I marvel at the fact that I hear about breaking news approximately six hours before my mum does (no offence, Julie) and I can’t get enough of Shay Mitchell’s Snapchat personas (oh my god). But from time to time, there are certain elements of social that I just don’t get. Here are a few of ’em:

1) People who use Facebook as a venting tool

I don’t even need to explain this one, because we’ve all scrolled through Facebook and thought “OH, PLEASE” at one time or another. FB venters are the worst. There are the angry-then-coy ones, who have a VERY CROSS BUT ALSO VERY VAGUE outburst and then refuse to discuss any further. They are usually part of the “U ok hun?” tribe and reply to the aforementioned question with “Um don’t rle wanna discuss it on here lovely.” Ahh, of course you don’t. That’s why you mentioned it to your 368 acquaintances, cos you weren’t really too keen to talk about it. Makes TOTAL sense.

The other venters are the ones who genuinely reckon Facebook is a good place to air all their deepest and most sorrowful of thoughts. The ones who write “I am so MAD. Horrible day, missed the bus, baby Richard was sick on my new top and now mum has got a tummy bug. Can things get any worse?” Bleugh. By all means vent on Tumblr, go to town on Twitter and maybe even sign back into your old LiveJournal if you’re feeling really angsty. But Facebook? No. Facebook isn’t understanding like Twitter is. It’s for distant family members and old classmates who like to judge you. Just don’t.

2) When you get sent Snapchats directly even though they’re not relevant to you

It’s not that I mind the snaps – I like to see what’s going on in your life and I’m incredibly nosy. It’s just that I DON’T DO WHAT TO DO WITH THEM. I can deal with snaps that are quite clearly intended for me: maybe if they’re Disney-related or they’re an in-joke that I know has only been sent to one or two recipients. But when it’s a more generic one, I’m baffled. Do you want a reply? Are you sending me this photo of yourself because you want me to send one back? Have you sent it to all of your contacts? Or just to me? Does it offend you if I ignore these? Will you get annoyed if I respond to them all? I just can’t cope. I JUST CAN’T COPE. Please use your story and save me this dreadful anxiety.

3) The “Why does anyone RT themselves?” brigade

“Oh my god, WHY would you retweet YOURSELF? I can’t think of anything lamer.” No, neither can I, but sometimes needs must and I want to share my blog post with the people who weren’t scrolling through Twitter four hours ago when I first banged on about it. I don’t have time to think of another enticing tweet so I’m just gonna take the lazy route and RT the first one. This isn’t the Twitter equivalent of liking your own Facebook status – it’s actually pretty useful. Okay? Okay.

4) People who follow you… and then unfollow you when you return the favour

To Sandra the Facebook venter who asked if things could get any worse: YES, they could. Things could get far worse if you happen to fall prey to the Twitter and Instagram villains who do the old follow-unfollow trick. THOSE STINKERS! There is little more irritating than a Twitter user who makes you think they want to be pals but then promptly removes you from their ‘following’ list days later. Occasionally I am tempted to DM the offenders to ask WHY THEY DO THIS, adding in a sassy lil paragraph about how their tweets aren’t even good anyway. But I don’t.

5) People who say “DM me”

Don’t get me wrong – there’s nothing wrong with a good old private message. The irk for me is when it all starts like this:

Person #1: Omg! I’m so sad. What awful news.
Person #2: What’s up?
Person #1: DM me xx

or like this:

Person #1: Hey, are we still meeting up later?
Person #2: DM me.

“DM me”?! DM me, you lazy thing. It was your idea, so you can do the honours.

6) When you receive a “Thanks for following!” message

Look, pal. I know you didn’t write this. I know it gets sent automatically to everyone who follows you. You know that I am not going to CHECK OUT THE BLOG!!! as a result of this impersonal greeting. I don’t want my first interaction with you to not actually come from you.

7) People who think that Bill Gates genuinely wants to divide his vast fortune between the users of Facebook

“Hi guys!! It’s me, Bill Gates inventer of Micro Soft!!! For everyone who shares this post I will give $20,000 FOR REAL!! Get sharing and tell ur friends! And yes, this is real. I want to give something back!!!” Cheers, Bill. Seems legit.

8) Anyone who uses irrelevant hashtags

It isn’t 2010, which means using hashtags to express your feelings instead of WHAT THEY’RE ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE USED FOR isn’t really okay anymore, in my book. Common irritants include #blessed, #anythinglikethiswhereitsactuallyasentenceandnoonecanreallyreaditproperlyandnoonecareswhatitsays, and things like #goodvibes and #makeeverydaycount. Do people ever actively search for #goodvibes online? I’m… I’m not sure they do.

What grinds your gears when it comes to social media? Let me know!

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